15 days have gone by and we’re already half way through Ramadan?! SubhanAllah! Time has seriously flown. I can still remember preparing suhoor on the first day, and panicking thinking I overslept. Unfortunately, I’m not able to fast due to being pregnant, but alhamdulilah I gain the reward of fasting, through feeding my hubby (Love you hubster!)
So for this Ramadan I decided to keep a journal for each day. In it, I wrote all my thoughts; what I’m thankful for, how I wish to improve myself, my emotions, thoughts etc. Reading through, I can see a transition of my being. I can sense a profound change in my character alhamdulilah.
So here goes. I hope you enjoy reading this post and take some benefit from it insha’Allah.
1. Be grateful
I lost my job, just before Ramadan started. Those who know me personally, know that when I’m not talking about natural living; I’m teaching English to Saudi students. And I love it.
As any human being our instant reaction is to get angry and frustrated. And that was mine. My inital thought was that I had sacrificed being with my mom, for this job. The thought cut me so deep. I was an emotional wreck for days.
As I entered Ramadan, I still had that resentment towards the situation. It was so intense, that it actually affected my ibadaah (worship).
I wish I had quit in January, when mom was admitted to hospital. That way, I wouldn’t be here wishing I could call her. I wouldn’t be stuck here, wishing I could’ve had just 1 more day with her. I should’ve just quit in January.
All I could think of was my mom. I was feeling guilty, regretful; just utterly devastated. I tied the pain of losing my mom, to losing my job. It was like a huge slap in the face.
After making lots of dua and praying, I had a dream about my mother. She was holding my hand, comforting me, repeating ‘don’t worry Rose, everything’s going to be fine’. The next day I woke up, thanking Allah so much for allowing me to see my mother in my dream. This is the first time since she passed.
I woke up with such a thankful heart that day. I realised that there is so much in my life that I should be grateful for, and that Allah only removes you from a situation for your benefit.
Now I see the wisdom in losing my job. I missed out on so much with my children. My mother was a full-time homemaker; just having her with us everyday made our family that much closer. Now everytime I look at my children, I imagine my mother looked at me the same way when I was little; with such a grateful heart and constantly counting her blessings.
Lesson: Be thankful that Allah hasn’t placed you in a worse situation. Allah never burdens a soul beyond what it can bear.
2. Emotions are temporary
As you can imagine, losing my job was a hardship that affected my whole family. Unfortunately, my children were most affected. Being at home with them wasn’t easy. I was so used to dropping them off to daycare and going to work, that I had forgotten how to actually interact with them.
Yaqoub is driving me crazy. OMG! This boy! If I have to tell him one more time to leave Maryam alone, I’m going to lose it!!
As hard as it was for me to write that for the world to see, I no longer am that angry mother who hated her child. Yes I say hated. I remember the exact moment. Yaqoub had just dropped his sister on the floor and she started bleeding from her mouth. My instant reaction was to shout at him, and make him feel worse than he already did.
And it all backfired. He just threw himself on the floor in a rage. I didn’t know what to do, but just to stand there and scratch my head. But I let him vent.
I was still feeling annoyed over the situation so thats why I wrote that excerpt. A few days later, Yaqoub came over to me and told me he acts naughty sometimes because he wants to tell my things but doesn’t know how to.
Hearing this broke my heart. I felt like the worst mother in the world. My instant reaction was to hug him and cry and say sorry a million times over. I feared the day my child would not be able to come and express his emotions; and it was happening at the tender age of 5.
After a good hug, we spoke about all the things he loved (dinosaurs, spiderman, his cousins… ). We spoke for a good hour and after he thanked me for listening.
Lesson: Emotions are not a weapon, but a tool. Embrace them lovingly and with patience.
3. Focus on the end goal
I remember reading an instagram post about how nowadays, we’re so forced to find our passion; but what if our passion is just to be living life and enjoying it? And it made me question everything.
All my life I’ve been driven by my ambition to be self-made. To live that entreprenurial life and be a millionaire. Honestly, doing that has made me lose touch with my real goal in life; Jannah.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m really living for Jannah, or just living up to people’s expectations of me. I’m getting tired of trying to be successful when all I want is success in the Hereafter. Isn’t that enough?
Ramadan 2014 was my best Ramadan to date. My eemaan was soaring high and I really tasted the sweetness of that month. That month, I tried so hard to strengthen my ibadaah, and by Allah it was such a blissful year. I had just divorced my husband and was raising my son alone. But I felt content and at peace. As long as I had Allah, nothing could harm me.
As years went on, I lost that feeling. I thought in order to find myself, I had to have something tangible, for the world to see. I placed value in what I could show people.
This Ramadan has been such a wake up call for me. From realizing that my mother never got to see this Ramadan, to losing my job; it has been the turning point in what I really want; and that’s for Allah to be pleased with me. Now, I’m focusing on ways to improve my eeman rather than improve the image that people percieve.
Lesson: Pleasing Allah is easy. It’s the only way to Jannah.
I hope you enjoyed reading my post. What’s 1 thing you’ve learnt so far, this Ramadan? Feel free to comment below.