Okay ladies, this post is for you. Before you start hissing and booing, and asking why not for the men, let me explain.
I’ve been married for nearly seven years allahumma barik alaayki, and it has been a series of trials and tribulations. We separated for a few years and reconciled 3 years ago. Recently, a dear sister of mine recommended a book for me to read called “Fascinating womanhood” by Helen Andelin. And it’s beyond fascinating! I recommend all you lovely ladies to purchase a copy.
Marriage isn’t perfect (Perfection belongs to Allah only)
No marriage is perfect. So, whatever you see on social media, is just a fabricated version of what that particular couple want you to see. It’s easy to take a picture smiling with your hubby, but no less than 5 mins ago you were arguing about who’s cooking dinner. A still photo shouldn’t be the reason why you feel inadequate in your marriage.
I used to compare my marriage to others and that’s part of the reason why me and husband ended up separating. I didn’t understand the role of a woman in a marriage (men have roles too, but I’m writing about us). Empower yourselves by understanding who you are.
Us women are the Queens of our homes; so if we don’t understand our positions, then how do we expect to have a healthy marriage. It’s like trying to fly a plane without taking lessons.
Yes marriage is 100/100 from both sides. I don’t believe in that 50/50 malarkey. And after reading Fascinating Womanhood I have FINALLY understood that it’s really women who lead men, to be the best versions of themselves.
But before I go into the top tips I want to say to all you ladies; that your worth is immeasurable. We are the world’s mothers; a unique quality that only we possess. As women we have great courage (more so than men). Imagine, we give birth and sacrifice our youth and bodies to nurture our children. That takes a lot of courage.
We are sensitive and nurturing. Imagine a world without this trait; how cold and unloving it would be. But us women, possess such great qualities regardless of whether we’re married, divorced or single.
Our worth is not defined by what a man can give us but what we give to the world. I hope you’re aware of this ladies!
Okay, so here are my top 3 tips for a healthy marriage
Please don’t freak out. I know you hate the dreaded S word; submission. You’re probably thinking I’ve lost it and are on the verge of throwing your laptop/phone out of the window. But submission is not such a bad word. I can think of many other words beginning with the letter S, that are far more offensive.
The problem with the word submission, is the images we attach to it. When you heard submission, you probably saw yourself kneeling in front of your husband saying ‘your Majesty, I am at your service’.
What if I told you that everyday you submit to something in your environment. For example, you submit to your boss at work by being there on time, doing what is required from you. Sometimes you go the extra mile to please your boss by doing something out of your job description. And that’s where the real submission lies.
Submission should really be defined as making the lives of people in your home better. It should answer the question ‘how can I make my husband’s life better’? Yes you can make your dreams come true. Submission doesn’t mean you give up your dreams and just become an entity. Go do what makes you happy, but when it comes to love, surrender. Don’t be afraid to let your guard down.
So if you want a healthy marriage you have to be willing to create one. Being endearing towards your husband will only bring out the best in him. Take it from someone who’s been fighting with the word submission since forever!
2. Allow him to lead
This is paramount. As women we are created differently than men. Men are the protectors and breadwinners. It’s part of their DNA. This doesn’t mean that they can’t help in the home by cooking and cleaning, but if you were to put masculine qualities in higher ranking order, then protector and breadwinner will be in the top 2.
Our beloved Prophet sallahu alayhi wasallam used to help out in the home, cook and clean and sew his own clothes. But this wasn’t his main role. He sallahu alayhi wasallam was out tending to the affairs of society, ensuring everyone got their rights including his wives.
Nowadays women have been subjected to the ‘Miss Independant’ mentality. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being independent. As women, we need to have some independence. But when this conflicts with your role as a Queen in the home, that’s where the problems arise.
So when making decisions; whether they be big or small, ask his opinion. Leave it open to him (if possible), always use the word we, instead of I.
I’ve been using this trick for a while now and it’s worked wonders. So go ahead and give it a try.
A lot of women think that by complimenting your husband, it will make his ego huge, thus causing more drama in your marriage. Wrong.
Have you noticed how children react when we compliment them? When we praise them and give them a treat in turn for their hard work, what do you see? You see your child puff his chest out and feel great about him/herself.
This is also innate in our husbands. Husbands love knowing they’re appreciated.
When telling your husband you admire him, make specific points such as his masculinity, his work or his looks. Men love being admired for their looks (it’s not just limited to us women). So when he’s looking handsome, or looking extra sharp for work; compliment him. Make him feel like he’s the only guy in the world that possesses such handsomeness. Trust me it works every time.
Please note: I am in no way advocating women to stay in an abusive relationships, whether it’s physical, verbal or mental (or all three). If you’re suffering at the hands of domestic abuse, I urge you to get help. This post is by no means meant to encourage women, to stay with an abusive partner.