Two months ago I lost my best friend; my mom. It has been a painful journey of anger, regret, denial, sadness and unbearable pain.
Regret, because I was thousands of miles away from her when she passed. Painful, because I wasn’t there to tell her one last time, that I love her and to forgive me for all the pain I ever caused her.
I’m writing this post today, not to tell you how to cope with grief, but to hopefully inspire you. That you can still find strength, through the storm of losing a loved one.
Regret is a beast
The days leading up to my mother’s death were difficult. Doctors couldn’t do much for her so my family brought her home.
Her lungs were still filling with fluid, and her heart was getting weaker. Alhamdulilah her kidneys were improving with the daily dose of cannabis oil, but still it was too late.
The last time I had seen my mom was in January. Although she was in hospital, she was laughing and talking like usual. But a few weeks later she began hallucinating, became incoherent and started forgetting a lot of things, which was unlike her.
So, it was at this point that I made so much dua to Allah; that if it’s better for her to live then let her be healthy and if not then let her die in peace and grant her Jannah.
I remember the last conversation I had with her. She asked when I was coming to visit and I told her inshaAllah soon. I had just shared the news that I was expecting my third child, and she was so happy and was adamant it’s going to be a boy. I told her to hang on, because her grandchild needs to meet her. But Allah had a better plan
Two days later, my family had been frantically messaging and calling me saying mom is not well and is not going to make it. But as I’m three hours ahead of the UK, I didn’t look at the messages until my mother had sadly passed.
Seeing the messages on my phone was traumatizing. It was the hardest thing for me to comprehend, that my mom had gone. I broke down like never before. I never thought I could feel that much pain and regret at the same time.
Straight away all I kept saying is “it’s my fault, I should have been there, I could have helped her”. The regret I felt was indescribable. It still is. I felt so guilty, like I was a bad daughter, unworthy of my mother’s love.
But of course that’s not true. Whatever happened, did so by the will of Allah.
And that’s the beauty of it all. The way my mom died, was peaceful. She took her last breath and her soul departed from this world.
Grief and gratitude
I took the first flight I could find and begged my family to not bury her before I come. She passed Saturday 18th March.
On the plane I could not stop crying. It was an overwhelming feeling that burned my throat and made my heart pound.
As I arrived to my mom’s house the first thing I could think of was running inside and hugging my mom. But the sofa was empty and my family grief stricken,
As Muslims, we do the ghusl (washing) of the deceased before burying. It had not hit me yet that mom is dead. Seeing her body on the table, lifeless, was painful. She looked so peaceful but we were far from it. We were so used to relying on our mother for comfort, support and strength. She was our rock, our mother and father. The one we used to run to for advice. And she gave some amazing advice allahumma barik laha.
Washing her body was my way of accepting that she’s gone. Alhamdulilah I’m glad I was able to do that for her. And that’s when I began feeling so grateful to Allah; that He chose to take her soul when she was suffering the most. She was only 54, but Allah was so Merciful, to bring her suffering to an end.
Both my brother’s died when they were young and my mom, kept patient. So I was grateful that He took our mother away, before one of us. I don’t think she could have coped with the loss of another child.
Love and loss are two sides of the same coin
Going back to normality has been tough. Knowing my mom is buried is a really weird feeling that I can’t put into words.
Little things that happen, the first person I want to tell is mom. My daughter started walking but she isn’t here to see it. My son asks about her all the time and all I can do is look at him with tears in my eyes. He wants to visit her in the holidays, and all I can say is ‘Nani is not there’.
Little moments like this are heartbreaking but I think to myself that if mom lived longer, the pain of losing her would probably be more intense. Especially for my children.
It’s a blessing
“Verily with hardship there is ease”. (Quran 94: 5-6)
Allah says twice with hardship there will be ease; not after hardship. It’s a promise from Allah, that you will be able to cope with whatever trial you go through in life. He tests you, but He also gives you tools to cope with the test.
Looking back, I can see the ease from Allah. My mom was in hospital for 3 months, so I couldn’t call as much as I usually would. My brothers and sisters got used to her not being around. This was such a mercy from Allah. T
Although I’ve lost my mom recently, the pain is easing slowly. I’ve belly laughed, read a good book, admired the sunset and appreciated the little things. I’ve slowly caught my breath. The wound may never heal and I may never be the same person again, but I know the memories will help me move on.
May Allah forgive my mom for all her sins, and grant her Jannah al Firdaws. Aameen
Thank you for reading!